What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? ... You are too young to smoke.
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What did the big tomatoe say to the little tomatoe? ... Ketchup!
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What did the cannibal say, after he ate the clown? ... Boy, that tasted funny!
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How do you make Holy Water? ... Boil the hell out of it.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? ... His lips are moving!
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers? ... Professional courtesy!
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? ... From chasing parked ambulances!
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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" ... The bartender replies, "For
you, no charge!"
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Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all
right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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Why do birds fly south for the winter? ... Because it is too far to walk!
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? ... A carrot!
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What do you give the man who has everything? ... Antibiotics!
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A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "They've stolen the dashboard,
steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could get under
way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got
in the backseat by mistake."
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Why did the man cross the road? ... Because there were no women on his side.
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What's the differance between Bigfoot and an honest man? ... Bigfoot has been sighted!
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What is the difference between government bonds and men? ... Government bonds mature.
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What's a man's idea of helping with house work? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
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What's the difference between man and E.T.? E.T... phoned home.
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How do men define a 50/50 relationship? ... They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle
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How do men exercise at the beach? ... Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when
you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' She replied,
'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
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Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
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There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
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Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those
inside desperate to get out.
************************************************************************************************************One young man went for an Interview.
"When did India get independence?"
He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result
was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
There were so many. Whom
to mention?
If I name one it will be a injustice to another." He replied.
"Is
corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly
only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful
answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others,since they were planning to ask the same
questions.
When
he went out, naturally others were curious to know what was
asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would
not leave him.
"At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of
this Sardar.
When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member
asked him.
"By the way, what is your date of birth?"
Sardar replied, "The effort
began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What
is your athers name?"
Sardar replied, "There were so many.
Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".
The
interviewer was incensed. "Hey ! are you mad or what?"
Sardar replied : "Some research is going on the subject.
I can answer with certainty only
after seeing the report."
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
CHANDU: Because of the sign.
TEACHER:
What sign?
CHANDU: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Chandu, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
CHANDU:
You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: Chandu, how do you spell "crocodile"?
CHANDU: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
CHANDU: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
CHANDU: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
CHANDU: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Magan, go to the map and find North America.
MAGAN: Here it
is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Chandu, who discovered America?
CHANDU: Georg! e!!
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TEACHER: Chandu, name one important thing we have today that
we
didn't have ten years ago?
CHANDU: Me!
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
CHANDU:
Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Chandu, give me a sentence starting with "I".
CHANDU: I is...
TEACHER: No, Chandu. Always say, "I am."
CHANDU: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
CHANDU: "Sir,
my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you
know why his father didn't punish him?"
CHANDU : "Because George
still had the axe in his hand."
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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
CHANDU: Brotherly love.
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Teacher: Now, Chandu, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before
eating?
CHANDU : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
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Teacher: Chandu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same
as your brother's. Did u copy his?
CHANDU: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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